For all of us, our sexual identity makes up an important (vital, even) part of our overall identity. And this identity is crafted from a vast range of things – not just a few – and therefore quite understandably, people strive to keep that identity intact. Not just for the outside world to avoid judgement if they don’t fit neatly into one category or other, but also for themselves because without an identity you can drift; keeping a sense of self is very important.
So then, what happens when you’re attracted to the idea of doing something which is outside of your personality box? Maybe even something which touches taboo areas for you?
The first thing to mention is that that gay-identifying men who fantasise about sex with straight men are actually quite common. It thrusts aside conventional pre-conceptions and challenges homosexual thinking. Nonetheless, gay men do fantasise about sex with straight men – and here’s why.
Gay men have constant, easy access to the bodies of other gay men. They can touch, kiss, caress, stroke and feel any area. Nothing is off limits (in a general sense). But with straight men, that access isn’t there and it isn’t too massive a jump to see that straight men represent an unchartered area and therefore they are appealing.
The ‘bi’ thing. Many gay-identifying men actually have some level of bi-curiosity fizzing around in their brain. They probably don’t mention it, for fear of shattering their identity, but sex with a straight man is a way to explore those feelings with compromising on their normal sex life and without admitting their inner feelings to the wider world.
And then there’s relinquishing responsibility. Lots of gay men find themselves in charge of running a business, managing large numbers of staff, committed to getting that brief ready for court in the morning. Stressful stuff. Then move onto the home area, there are usually responsibilities there too. Perhaps they’re the main wage earner, or there are triplets to feed, bath and put to bed. And on top of this, there’s a partner to take care of emotionally as well. You can see why these guys sometimes feel they’re on the slippery slope to burnout. Sex with a straight man can be a way of handing something over to another person. Allowing someone else to be in charge of your pleasure is a very erotic thought.
And finally – fantasies are just that. They’re private, they can be about whatever you want them to be. You don’t have to share them or justify them. You can be free to imagining yourself indulging in all kinds of straight man sex action without threatening your ‘strong gay man’ status.
Ultimately, our erotic fantasies probably form a major part of sexual satisfaction. And if that comes from picturing straight man sex, then as gay guy you really don’t have to tell anyone, or even act it out. But you can know it’s there if you need it.